When I told Dustin about the baby I was very upset. I expected him to be mad or upset. I thought for sure he would blame me for this unfortunate thing. Instead, he took my hand and said it would be "alright." He handled it amazingly well, far better than myself. And he was right, things were alright. We starting to make some of the necessary plans to solve some problems that this new baby had created. We were going. We kept telling ourselves that by the time the baby came we would be excited. Who doesn't love a baby right? I was sad though. I felt guilty that I wasn't excited this time.
Then at my 12 week appointment everything changed. I went in thinking, "hurry up, get this all done before my little two stop behaving." I was in a hurry. I was inconvienced by this appointment. The doctor came in and had me lay back to check the baby's heartbeat. She couldn't find one. My heart stopped. Once again, I told myself things would be "alright." I don't think I breathed the whole five minutes it took to get the ultrasound machine turned on and the cold jelly on my belly. Then, there it was. That amazing, wiggly, flip-flopping little person. Tiny and perfect with a strong heartbeat. In that moment I realized how much I did not want that baby to go away. It was a part of me now, and I loved it. I loved the love that had made it. I loved that it would be another little mini version of Dustin. I knew right then that if I could love it the tiniest bit as much as I loved its daddy or its siblings, then it would a lucky baby. I would be lucky and blessed to experience that kind of love again.
I am still working on being excited. But seeing and hearing the kids excitement is helping. And in a strange way I feel like this baby has made me feel closer to Dustin. This whole experience has reminded me how lucky I am to have Dustin and the kids.
I know this is a personal post. I felt like I needed to get it out. And I know some people think that we are "crazy for having another baby!" But I wanted to put it out there that although this baby was far from planned, it is loved. And by November, we will be excited and anxiously awaiting their arrival. I know that our family will be blessed to have this new person as a part of it.
